Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
