If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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