good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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