You just made me feel so damn special
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
