the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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