Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
