I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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