Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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