My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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