Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
