you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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