it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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