if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
