there's paper in my vomit.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
