Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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