Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
