Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Why can't burritos get me drunk
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Randomize
