wrigley field is MILF paradise
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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