2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
