I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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