its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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