why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
