It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
