I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I did not marry a roomba.
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