Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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