i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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