Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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