I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
