I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Randomize
