worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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