Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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