i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
