I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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