I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
did i walk over a car last night?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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