Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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