i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
