You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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