Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
