Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
They left me at home... I'm a liability
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
