Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
