i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
