I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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