apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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