Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize