Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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