How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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