if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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