I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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