believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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