I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
