he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize