You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
