There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
