There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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