apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
