how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
