do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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