No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
