I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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