Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize