Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
