My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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